Routines...

..it was definitely a routine thing rather than his voice!
Suitcase appeared today and M was insistent on saying "bye bye" to it.
Some may remember me attributing his regular and very violent meltdowns last term to being a change in routine (no suitcase, therefore no overnight stay at school) and perhaps it being his voice that he wants to be with peers. So, now he's in the new routine of no suitcase, it reappears and he says "bye bye" to it and I had to hide it in my room to avoid a meltdown... that definitely is a change of routine thing and not his voice saying he wants to be with peers. I don't doubt he will have a lovely night tonight with his peers (suitcase was sneaked on bus after him) but when the routine is to change again, I hope there is a good plan in place. I am so scared of going back to square one.
Some say we need to differentiate plans due to institutionalising children and routines. Those people should live through the effects of that, and then write their unfounded thesis'.

Don't be complacent

A lesson learned. I dared to think M had calmed but a change in routine resulted in a mega meltdown. Followed by an odd request for a shower mid afternoon. Those who know M know that's almost unheard of. Hesitantly, I obliged. Showers alone can cause eruptions. He was so calm throughout. Small giggles at our usual games that I use to try and make showers a positive experience. It felt as if he knew he needed the experience to calm. I don't know if it was sensory or something else but it worked. 

After, he went about his day, tired and a little grumpy but I knew he was "OK". 

I was left drained. I'm so pleased M has a Carer tonight. Time for an aching arm that took the brunt to rest. Time to recoup. 

I love my boy with all my heart but sometimes it just breaks that heart.  It's actually more painful to think how M feels about something he cannot control. I simply can't imagine how he feels. Anything I feel pails into significance.  If I could trade, I would. 😢

Autism Awareness month............

All too aware in this house, especially this year!

It helps that I am trying to understand him but it very nearly ripped us apart..physically and emotionally.

So I'm not going to write a massive awareness blog... I am just going to share a picture I painted of "M's world" It maybe says more than I can.

Another big decision...

So I've been on a bit of a journey this year... In my head. If anything good has come from the crisis recently, it's realising I can do what I want and should not feel guilty, thus choosing the wrong path, out of that guilt. 

Going into healthcare after M has left home was out of guilt. I still want to use my experience to help others but the only real way that can be done is not on the shop floor. I have seen the restrictions in the current service provider climate despite the best and genuine intentions from professionals. I will always continue to help and support my friends and local initiatives. 

As part of self preservation most of you will know I have rekindled my passion in Art. I have a lot to learn but I am loving it. I have enjoyed escaping into a creative world. I have enjoyed making people smile along the way. I'm not ashamed to say it has boosted my confidence and self esteem. This is where selfish me has emerged. I don't know where it will lead me, but I have a month to get my portfolio up to scratch.. For an interview.. possibility of studying Art and Design at the local college. Just a little bit excited!